My darling love,
In this process of finding a church family in a new city, my singleness has been very much on the forefront of my mind.
A few weeks ago, heading to a church outreach event, I walked alone into the parking lot only to realize that I had no idea where to sit. There were tables of people who all knew each other, laughing and talking. I, the new person, stood on the periphery looking in. I ended up asking a volunteer to introduce me, and they lovingly directed me to a table of people in their 70s and 80s. Though our conversation was wonderful, my identity as a single felt like a glaring incompleteness.
Last week, attending a different church with my coworker, I filled out the visitor’s slip. I was happily filling out information about my address and contact information when I moved to the second half, where there was a box for marital status. It was such a simple question, and yet, internally, I felt a lurch. As I ticked off the box for “single”, I thought, oh you have no idea how desperately I have wished I wasn’t. How much I wish I were checking off the married box.
This loneliness ebbs and flows. One moment, my heart is content and I am satisfied. Then, out of nowhere, a single checkbox tips the scale, and the pit of my stomach grumbles. I am suddenly and unexpectedly back into full-blown loneliness.
And I know, intrinsically and cognitively, that loneliness is a human condition, not something to be satisfied fully by marriage. I know that loneliness is a built-in scream for the completeness that only God can restore. I know these things. But yet, those moments catch me off guard and I wonder and dream of how it could be better with you beside me.
Waiting on His timing has been so difficult and yet sweet, my love.
your future wife